Yeah, I want it thin. You got a problem with that?

When you think of the deli counter at a supermarket, what do you think of? Glorious rows of meat, cheese and fried delicacies? If your a vegetarian maybe you see a farm animal funeral home with cheese as the finger food for the wakes of the dead animals. I see one thing, grumpy deli counter workers.

What is is about these people? Why are they so pissed? I must admit, it would suck to have their job, but does it require a almost universal attitude of fuck you? Each deli has it own variant of this attitude.

My favorite deli is at the Fred Meyer in Ballard. These guys take it to another level. If you are not prepared to ask for one of the pre-sliced items, you are in for some fun. First you order, “I would like 3/4 of a pound of the Private Selections Oven Roasted Turkey Breast please.” They then look down at the array of pre-sliced items and once realizing that it was not there you would get the “Look.” The Look means “Great, I've got another slicer!” You also get the Look from the rest of the workers at the same time. Deli workers seem to be able to communicate telepathically, “Warning, we have a Slicer in our midst.”

Once you are pegged as a Slicer you are completely screwed. They must have the security cam people print out photos of Slicers and post them up in the prep area out of sight. Mine would say, “Generally likes, Thinly sliced turkey. Sometimes orders roast beef and black forest ham. Beware likes to have cheese sliced very thin.”

As you walk up to the counter you will first encounter what I call the “Ignore.” Suddenly things need to get done in the prep area away from the counter. Acting like you are not there, they will refuse to make eye contact while acting super busy. Then once you have waited the union mandated “Slicer wait time” they come to the counter. If there are other people waiting they will always try to help them first. So after you have spoken up for yourself you get the “Stare”, the “Stare” is all about trying to intimidate you into not having your order sliced.

So you place your order, “1/2 a pound of the roast beef please, thinly sliced.” After placing your order they will always try to sell you something that is pre-sliced. What follows after declining the pre-sliced item is a long pause, then a sigh and finally they relent. Now you might think that once you have ordered you are safe. Oh no my friend, this is the time that you have to be the most alert. There is only one way they have to get back at “Slicers” in a deli workers mind and that is cutting your order so thin, that you can see through it. What they do is position their bodies so you can not see how thin they are cutting it. So what you end up doing is running up and down the counter trying to find the best angle. Once you nicely say, “please, not that thin” you will get it the way you want.

That my friends is what it is like at the deli counters of the Seattle.